Between the couples, it is important for both to immediate recognize their boundaries of giving without resenting each another.
Never expect to even any scores by regulating the events of who give more or less.
Let us look into these facts.
Why partners after living together want to divorce?
Larry 31 was one year younger than Mary who is 32 and she demand to be divorced after staying together for 10 years.
What was the cause?
Mary says, she could not take it anymore, complaining that Larry is not romantically, selfish, lazy, slow in action, too controlling without giving her enough privacy.
She insists that she had nothing to give anymore but to leave on her way.
But Larry refused to let her go, so they went to visit a therapist.
In Larry’s mind, there is an important and urgency to save this marriage which he is ready to give up his ego in admitting his mistakes.
At the therapist’s clinic, they start to realize that actually his wife was experiencing the so called “12 years of accumulated resentment.
In order to save this marriage, the therapist advised that Larry should have to do a lot of listening to motivate and nurse back Mary lovely feelings towards him again.
So Mary was encouraged to start patiently, expressing and sharing her feelings for Larry to understand her negative feelings.
Although this was the most difficult of the “saving the marriage” process, Larry really began to hear all the woes, pain and unfulfilled requirements.
After this hearing from Mary, Larry was motivate and feel more confident that he could make changes necessary to create a better lovingly relationship.
Before Susan can be motivated to work and save this 12 years marriage, obviously she need to be heard and feel that Larry validated her feelings.
Once in reality, Susan understood Larry’s intention to give more to her, they are on the way to reconcile and to improve their relationship.
Their next step ahead is for them to understand each individual’s responsibilities that are Larry has to support Susan in every reasonable aspect, while Susan will take the responsibility not to set any boundaries.
Hurray! Larry immediately apologized to Susan for the ways that he had hurt her,
Susan realize that although Larry had stepped over her boundaries by treating in a disrespectful ways such as; yelling, grumbling, resisting her request and invalidating her feelings also acknowledge her mistakes not to set her boundaries anymore.
So gradually, Susan will accept the fact that her inability to set anymore limits and her tendency to give which had contributed to their problems, she start to be forgiving.
She feels that taking responsibility is essential to release her resentment.
Practically, Susan and Larry will be motivated to learn and accept new ways of supporting by respecting each other’s boundaries and limits.
Having agreed to reconcile, both Susan and Larry will need to learn how to express honest feelings in a respective manner.
They also realized that making such mistakes over the years gave them a safety net to be practiced.
These are the examples of the mistakes they have found after reconciliation and start to even practicing toleration.
Susan is often saying “I do not like the way you are talking to me, stop yelling please or I shall leave the room” so she start to practicing this method and sure enough after several rimes, it cool her down and worked!
When Larry would make requests that Susan would later resent doing, will start to practice “No, dear I need to relax” or “Darling I am too busy” after such application, she discovered that Larry become more attentive to her because he understood how busy and tired she was.
At times when Susan wanted to go on holidays, Larry would say that he is too busy but when she said going on holidays alone, suddenly he would shift his schedule to agreed going on holidays with her.
While they alone discussing their home affairs and budgets, Larry used to interrupt, then Susan will practice by saying “Look Darling I have not finished yet, please hear me out” and Larry will practice to listen more than interruption.
Another factor that contribute to relationship problems is making a request or need, most female take for granted that after getting married, they are supposed to automatically receive their requirements without asking.
But it is a wrong view or thought to make the male responsible for knowing the female’s needs which was not only unrealistic but was one of the critical point that can create bad relationship,
Susan after realizing and accepting this fact agreed to be responsible by asking for their requirements.
As for the Larry, the most difficult challenge was to respect the Susan’s changes and not to expect her to be the same cohabiting partner he originally married.
Larry must also recognized that it is difficult for Susan to offset her habits of non-setting boundaries and limits as it was for him too to adjust accordingly.
When male experiencing limits, he will be motivated to offer more and automatically to question the effectiveness of his behavior pattern thus start making changes to accommodate the situation.
When female realize that in order to receive, she needs to make request, thus will automatically forgive her partner and at the same time seeking better ways of asking and receiving support from the male counterpart.
As the saying goes ”It take to hands to clap” so being understanding, male and female will become more graceful by practicing the “give more take less” strategy to improve love relationship.
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